Jeremiah 1:5

 I claimed thee for my own before ever I fashioned thee in thy mother’s womb; before ever thou camest to the birth, I set thee apart for myself

" You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb... Your eyes foresaw my actions; in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be."  Ps. 139:13, 16

While we know that whatever lies ahead of us will be difficult, God's hand of love has been on us and we are amazed at the miracles that have accompanied us.  After we had Isaac and we didn't have a baby for three and a half years we were so happy to be having another baby on the way. We knew that we are older and we have been so blessed to have so many children, we knew that we may not have anymore.  When we first found out we were pregnant again, Meg was 6mths old.  We were both surprised and the feeling that welled up in me was hope.  I really didn't understand why that would be the emotion that would well up inside me so strongly.  With every baby there was always the thought "what if" something goes wrong?  What if something is wrong with the baby.  While we were in Mexico, one of our eldest daughters had three seizures in one day.  We have always thanked God for the health of our children, but watching our daughter go through those seizures really brought home to us that at any time any one of our children could die or something could happen that would cause them to be mentally handicapped.  Mark and I talked a lot about those issues.  God was preparing us.  

As the pregnancy progressed, those "what if" thoughts were a little louder.  I knew going into Mexico I probably wouldn't gain a lot of weight but I was really becoming concerned about how small the baby seemed to be.  Having 9 and 10 lb babies Mark and I always joke about how nice it would be to have a tiny 8lb baby.  But this baby just seemed way too small and too weak.  

While in Mexico, we prayed as a family about where we would go when we returned to the states.  We felt no clear direction.  I felt like we would drive to the border and say "ok God, which way do we go?"  Back to Oregon?  My dad was diagnosed with cancer do we go to Kansas City?  With my concern with the baby I knew that we could go to Louisiana to our mission base and the doctor would see me there.  After 7 homebirths I couldn't understand my feelings that it would be ok to deliver in the hospital.  God was directing our steps.  Our friends the Alvarez have been wanting us to come and be with them for some time so as we had thoughts about being close to my mom and dad for the summer while dad went through Chemo we thought we could stay with the Alvarez family about 3 1/2 hours away in Wichita, KS.  So with little notice and them just moving (three days prior to our arrival) into their new house on 5 acres we called and ask "Can we come and hang out with you for the summer?''  They of course said 'SURE" and there would be work to do.  God was providing.

When we got settled we found a midwife who was willing to take me even with no prenatal care.  Our first visit, just two weeks ago, found a baby with a nice strong heartbeat.  We talked about due date and how I came up with it and then she measured.  Only 32 cm when I should have been 36cm.  Well maybe I was just really off on my calculations.  But still even being 2 weeks off, I should not have measured so small.  We talked about getting an Ultrasound but decided to wait one more week.  The next week I came in, just last Thursday June 13th, I still measures 32cm, no growth.  The midwife looked at me and said "it's time for an ultrasound".  She was able to set us up with an appointment the next day.  We debated about bringing the kids but we decided not to bring them, but everyone was excited for us to see the baby.  During the ultrasound we saw cute little legs, little baby hands, a cute little face, a beating heart.  The appointment lasted almost an hour when it was only suppose to be a half hour.  Near the end, I said "everything looks good".  While she was taking measurements the numbers on the screen would guesstimate gestational age to be around 31 - 32 weeks.  I thought, I was just really really off on due dates and that explained the small baby feel.  She only replied, the midwife will call you.  We both thought that was a little odd and went to the waiting room to wait for the pictures.  When she came back, she asked us to come back to her office where I found two chairs behind the desk and she asked us to sit down.  "There are several problems with the baby.  You can call the midwife on this phone and she will talk to you".  The midwife told us how sorry she was to have to tell us but the baby has only three chambers in the heart, pockets of fluid in the brain and tailbone, and something is wrong with the way the umbilical cord is attached.  She didn't know if the baby would be able to live after birth.  It is one thing to think something may be wrong, but when all the "what ifs" become a reality it is a little shocking. But God was loving on us.

The hand of Providence kept on turning as the midwife referred us to a place called Choices.  They care for women in an unplanned pregnancy but they helped us to find a pro-life doctor who would care for us.  Debbie listened to our story, looked at the sonogram pictures and tried to get us set up with appointments OB doc.  I felt so protected as we were surrounded by Christian workers who prayed with us and made sure to send us Doctors who would help me and the baby and not just advise an abortion.

It is so hard to believe that was just one week ago today.  This past week we have been to so many doctors and have had sooo many ultrasounds.  The care that we have received though from those doctors, nurses, technicians has been truly comforting.  The news is not good as our baby has several serious problems.  We do not expect the baby to live long after birth.  While this news is very difficult to hear and we have all as a family cried for our little baby, but we have not despaired. Our prayer is that we can embrace the will God for the life and death of our baby.  We are at peace.  We have started a novena to Fr. Kentenich for a miracle. If anyone would like to join us feel free to contact us through email or fb for the prayers.  God has been protecting, providing, and loving us and we are at peace.  We pray for a miracle not out of desperation but because God is a miracle maker and yet we are preparing for the upcoming birth and our baby passing into the Hands of God.